I saw, and then instantly lost, a quote online yesterday: “We have to teach women and girls to not feel shame”. I am a person who doesn’t feel a lot of shame, despite finding myself in humiliating or ridiculous situations with shameful regularity, and that quote made me consider why, and how, I got to this point of blissful indifference. If I was the kind of person who didn’t feel like a complete fraud when sharing advice, what would I say?
Number One: Other people will always find an excuse to judge, whatever you do.
So if they’re judging, hating, or laughing regardless, does it matter what you do? I’ll caveat this with a cursory “Not All People” because there are some nice ones out there who are brilliantly supportive and non-judgemental, but even they have the potential to harbour little flickering thoughts like ‘Oof, she shouldn’t have worn that with those tits’. It is unfortunate human nature to be a bit bitchy about people around us, in a bid to elevate ourselves, and when I accepted that, it took the pressure off a little. It makes it all feel less personal; it’s likely they’re not attacking me for me, but attacking me for themselves. Yes, they’re still attacking, but think of it as their precious human failure: aww bless them, how sweet. If they’re going to judge me anyway, for what I wear or how I behave or when I fall over, then I feel freer to wear whatever, behave however, and fall over whenever my body decides standing up is for losers.
Number Two: Slut-shaming says more about them, than you.
It is rooted in jealousy, misogyny, sexual violence, and degradation. It can feel devastating, to be bullied and picked apart for displaying your body or being sexually liberated or simply having femme sexual bits, and it is never, ever, acceptable. My greatest wish is that everyone feels able to understand that it is not your moral failure, it’s theirs. Always and without exception. Wearing certain clothes is not an invitation to sexually assault you. Drinking alcohol is not an excuse for rape. Sex is not dirty or immoral or shameful. Kinky sex is healthy. Fucking more than one person, either in your lifetime or at once, is not a moral problem, it is normal (and fun). The only person who can have an opinion, a say, about what you do with your body is you; not that guy on Twitter, not your mum, not some TERF with an overpaid newspaper column, not your partner, any of your partners. You own yourself.
Number Three: What is the worst that can happen?
Is that person calling you fat really the worst thing that could happen today? No, it really isn’t. It’s horrid, yes, but not the worst. I don’t want to cause you any trauma at all, but it can be helpful to put things into perspective sometimes. One of my, many, psychologists once asked me “What is your greatest fear?” and I had to admit that most of them had all already happened: my dad passing, my family being hurt, my partner leaving me, being raped. The only things left are the deaths of all the other great loves in my life. If they are healthy and happy, I realised that I’m good. Well, not always good, but OK, bearable, comforted. An exercise I like to work through, when I’m experiencing anxiety about what people will think of me, is to list all the effects it may have: I have written that it could cause me hurt, it could make me sad, it might mean that I don’t want to try it again, it may trigger my eating disorder, it might make me avoid people. Then I go through the list and write little solutions to each of those outcomes, how I can avoid or mitigate them, and they’re almost always really very simple and emphasise the short-term nature of all my concerns. And that, for me, is always the key: they’re short-term. I can deal with short-term; they’re finite.
Number Four: The most important person in your life is you.
Selfish is not a dirty word. The idea of being selfish sounds like it goes against a lot of things we’re taught when we’re learning how to be humans, such as putting other people first and always being considerate of other people’s feelings; it doesn’t. I like to think I’m a fairly nice person, kind even, and my evidence is that I have friends and partners and family who love me and tell me I am. I like making the people I love feel happy and appreciated. But I’m always my number one priority. I won’t ever deliberately make anyone feel like shit just for giggles, however, if their behaviour is impacting on my happiness, I will share that with them with the aim of having them change it. If they don’t change it, I’m out. I’ll admit, I’m pretty harsh when it comes to this subject and I have walked away from friendships and relationships in the past when they have not positively contributed to my life. It sounds very cliche, but life really is too short to sacrifice little bits of it to prop up terrible people. Being selfish doesn’t mean tearing other people down to make you feel good, it’s about shaping your life to make yourself feel good. There’s only one you and you need to protect them.
Number Five: Exercise your confidence.
It’s science, or something like that, that if you feel more secure in yourself, you feel less affected by other people’s opinions of you. I think of confidence as a muscle I need to regularly work out, and some days I either can’t be bothered or don’t have the mental strength and it goes a bit flabby, but that’s alright because it can be worked out again when I’m ready. I approach exercise by being stupidly confronting and throwing myself into it, and it’s the same concept with my confidence. Pushing myself to do things, to confront things, to look at things, helps it grow. That naked photoshoot I did with Molly? A great workout. Looking at my face in the mirror? Terrifying, but it causes tiny shoots of self-esteem to root. Going to a sex club and spreading my legs in a hot tub? A full body pummelling, that leaves me aching for more. You really don’t have to be like me, I’m a lot, it can be something as small as trying on a top that’s a bit out of your comfort zone or going for a walk that’s longer than your usual or sharing something personal with a friend. I never claim to love myself, but we’re mates, and that is good enough for me right now.