Identity

Shameless

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Eating Disorders

One Year

CW: binge eating disorder, body dysmorphia Exactly one year ago today, you decided you wanted to get better.  How you came to that decision is still a mystery to you. There was a boredom, a tiredness, of being unwell. Of binging and feeling sick and feeling shit and not being able to move without pain and crying and getting into debt and apologising to and […]

Body Matters / Dating

Punching

CW: body dysmorphia, eating disorders, mention of self-mutilation I’m seeing this guy I really like. I keep referring to him as Perfect Guy, because to me, he is. He is everything I’ve hoped for in a date and more (the superstitious side of me, tiny as it is, can’t bear to refer to him as a potential partner just yet). I won’t bore you with […]

Body Matters / Dating / Romance

Chemistry Lessons

CW: body dysmorphia A guy just ended things with me by saying the chemistry wasn’t right. By telling me that he had liked me more when we were messaging, than in person. I wish I could say that it was the first time someone had said that to me, that there was no “spark”, but I can’t. It’s not even the second time this year […]

Body Matters

To BBW or Not To BBW

Big. Beautiful. Woman.  If you have to put the words big and beautiful together in that way, then you’re suggesting they don’t belong together in the first place. You’re saying that big people have to be told we’re beautiful. We actually don’t; we need to be shown it. We need to see ourselves in the world, and we need to be heard, and we need […]

Sexual Encounters

The Problem with Beautiful Men

I once fucked a beautiful man. Actually, I fucked him 4 times: twice in my bed, once in his, and once in the back of my car outside a pub (our first date).  I didn’t know bodies could be that firm, that sculpted, in real life before fucking that beautiful man. His had been honed lean by semi-pro football, PE teaching, and fucking other beautiful […]

Body Matters / Eating Disorders / Identity

What’s in a name? Pt. 2

CW: eating disorders, weight-loss  There are times when eating everything isn’t sexy. Sometimes after eating a McDonalds, I don’t joyfully suck dick; I throw up.  Not deliberately; involuntarily, due to the sheer volume of food I’ve eaten in a short space of time, the combination of the two causing my digestive system to shudder and churn and billow, and the storm that was brewing suddenly […]

Body Matters / Dating

Do Bodies Count?

I don’t know how many people I’ve had sex with. I don’t know how many have penetrated me, how many have brought me to orgasm, how many dicks I’ve sucked. I’m not sure how many genitals I’ve seen in real life or how many have seen mine. How many flies have I zipped open with an urgent hunger?  I didn’t realise I was meant to […]

Body Matters

A Normal, Human Body

I hate writing this. I hate that I have to. I hate that I’ve written it before and I continue to write about it because the same shit keeps happening every single year.  It’s January and the diet and wellness industry is in heat. They’re horny not for your health, but for your money. They don’t care if you’re healthy or thin or happy; they […]