It was feminism that did it. Feminism and my own redundant reproductive organs; both some misplaced indicators of womanhood that I did not, could not, connect with. It was that feeling that other people have described before, more eloquently than me, of feeling wrong, of feeling you’re doing something wrong, acting wrong, failing at being what you appear to be. I appeared to be a […]
Identity
Shameless
I saw, and then instantly lost, a quote online yesterday: “We have to teach women and girls to not feel shame”. I am a person who doesn’t feel a lot of shame, despite finding myself in humiliating or ridiculous situations with shameful regularity, and that quote made me consider why, and how, I got to this point of blissful indifference. If I was the kind […]
Eating Disorders
One Year
CW: binge eating disorder, body dysmorphia Exactly one year ago today, you decided you wanted to get better. How you came to that decision is still a mystery to you. There was a boredom, a tiredness, of being unwell. Of binging and feeling sick and feeling shit and not being able to move without pain and crying and getting into debt and apologising to and […]
Body Matters / Dating / Romance
Chemistry Lessons
CW: body dysmorphia A guy just ended things with me by saying the chemistry wasn’t right. By telling me that he had liked me more when we were messaging, than in person. I wish I could say that it was the first time someone had said that to me, that there was no “spark”, but I can’t. It’s not even the second time this year […]
Body Matters
A Hairy Subject; growing my pubes
Lately, my favourite thing has been to slowly stroke my fingers through the hair around my cunt. I do it almost absent-mindedly, when I’m falling asleep, or in the shower, or lying on the sofa. It’s at that length where each strand feels like buttery silk. Some are straight, some curl into my skin, but all are soft. The softest parts are the slightly longer […]
Body Matters
To BBW or Not To BBW
Big. Beautiful. Woman. If you have to put the words big and beautiful together in that way, then you’re suggesting they don’t belong together in the first place. You’re saying that big people have to be told we’re beautiful. We actually don’t; we need to be shown it. We need to see ourselves in the world, and we need to be heard, and we need […]
Sexual Encounters
The Problem with Beautiful Men
I once fucked a beautiful man. Actually, I fucked him 4 times: twice in my bed, once in his, and once in the back of my car outside a pub (our first date). I didn’t know bodies could be that firm, that sculpted, in real life before fucking that beautiful man. His had been honed lean by semi-pro football, PE teaching, and fucking other beautiful […]
Body Matters / Eating Disorders / Identity
What’s in a name? Pt. 2
CW: eating disorders, weight-loss There are times when eating everything isn’t sexy. Sometimes after eating a McDonalds, I don’t joyfully suck dick; I throw up. Not deliberately; involuntarily, due to the sheer volume of food I’ve eaten in a short space of time, the combination of the two causing my digestive system to shudder and churn and billow, and the storm that was brewing suddenly […]
Body Matters / Dating
Do Bodies Count?
I don’t know how many people I’ve had sex with. I don’t know how many have penetrated me, how many have brought me to orgasm, how many dicks I’ve sucked. I’m not sure how many genitals I’ve seen in real life or how many have seen mine. How many flies have I zipped open with an urgent hunger? I didn’t realise I was meant to […]
Body Matters
A Normal, Human Body
I hate writing this. I hate that I have to. I hate that I’ve written it before and I continue to write about it because the same shit keeps happening every single year. It’s January and the diet and wellness industry is in heat. They’re horny not for your health, but for your money. They don’t care if you’re healthy or thin or happy; they […]