Top to Bottom: becoming more submissive

There was a time where all I could think about, dream about, was fucking someone with a strap-on. I’d make their hole slippery wet with spit, tongue, and lube and ease the silicone inside them, either popping through a tight arsehole or pushing into a soft cunt. I wasn’t picky. Being in control of penetration, being an extension of it, that was a power I wanted to experience. Pegging had long held the number one spot on my sexual to-do list, but then its reign was topped. It seems more comfortable in the number two position now, anyway. 

Recently I got bored while directing a guy to wank off. That’s never happened before. I used to really love providing JOI; there’s significant power in making someone cum using only words. Sometimes not even complete and explicit words, but suggestion and innuendo and a bit of playful subterfuge. Sometimes supplemented with considered sounds. Being in control of someone’s climax, I was empowered. And I was good at it. It was a way to be creative, to construct a story and test it out in real time on a willing, needy sub; to stretch my skills and imagination. But then, I got bored. 

I considered it as good a session as I usually provide: I described exactly how I’d use his body for my own pleasure. How I’d pin him to the bed and roughly ride his face while gripping a fistful of his hair. How I’d use a spit-dampened hand to edge his dick over and over. How I’d reward him by letting him clean my tits with his tongue after he’d eventually been allowed to cum all over them. Pretty standard stuff. 

Then I switched. All of a sudden, I just wanted him to cum and get it over with. I desperately wanted to stop telling him what to do; I wanted him to tell me. I wanted him to wrestle control from me. I wanted to be the one being edged. I wanted to be the one being allowed to clean up his cum with my tongue. Me. I’d gone from top to bottom in an instant, quicker than it took for him to cum. 

Pegging’s successor; being the recipient of bukkake. No longer do I fantasise about only one person coating me in cum, I long for a dozen dicks spurting all over me. I long to be painted from face to thigh, while my hands are restrained behind my back and I’m kneeling at the centre, my head tilted upwards ready to receive. After I’m saturated, I crave then being pushed to the floor and having my cunt fucked and used by whoever wants it, as the cum hardens on my skin. 

I’ve identified as a switch for as long as I can remember, because I simply like doing everything. Variety is one of the key tenets of my sexuality, both in terms of who I have sex with and how. I never want to limit myself, other than my hard boundaries (which are mostly concerned with human waste, asphyxiation, and sex with those who are unable to consent). Meeting different people and moving between dynamics is what keeps sex interesting to me. 

Switching during a fuck session had always been one of the most thrilling things, before those JOI. Having different dynamics with the same person, either taking it in turns in an ordered way or just going with the flow of desire in the moment, was incredible. I valued the opportunity to push someone’s cheeks apart and rim them, straight after they’ve fucked my face. Sometimes I enjoyed whispering soft encouragement into someone’s ear while I slid my hand slowly up and down their length, before they shoved me onto the bed to spank me. Imagine a threesome where you all take it in turns to be submissive, under the authority of the other two; hot, right? 

Simply going along with a partner’s preferred dynamic, without expressing my own, has become increasingly dissatisfying. Just the other day, a dating-app match asked to adore me, before he even asked if I wanted to be adored. I went along with it for a few messages, playing up to being the dom he wanted me to be. But, when he wanted me to provide him with specific instructions on how to adore me, I couldn’t be arsed any longer. You either adore me or you don’t; I’m not going to work for it. 

As with many facets of sexuality, there’s a scale. You can be 100% dominant, or 100% submissive, or you can be 69% of either. You can be a 50/50 switch, or 70/30, or 20/80. And yes, it can be fixed for the entirety of your sexual life or it could change. As it has with me. Before, I was solidly 50/50; equally happy and satisfied being dom or sub or top or bottom or somewhere in between or everything at once. 

Now though, I’ve slid to one end of the scale. Now, I need to be dominated. Why? Possibly boredom, maybe it was other creators making a D/s dynamic so alluring, perhaps it’s because I’m always looking for a new thing. Maybe it was inevitable the scale would tip some day. All I know for certain is that I’m being driven wild with lust for the dynamic.

Yes, right now I want the bukkake. But it’s actually more than that; I want someone to organise the bukkake for me. To pick who is going to coat me in cum. To supervise and step in if something errs outside of what’s been consented to. To fuck me last. To help me into the shower afterwards. To be cared for. I want a relationship with a dom; I want to be their sub. And longer-term than just one night. 

Because all of this I want to explore, it takes some trust. It takes consent. It takes mutual respect. It’s been a long time since I’ve trusted anyone enough to play with CNC, to allow them to restrain me for longer than a few minutes, to be hit with more than just an open hand, to allow them to make decisions for me, to be owned. And as someone who’s poly and doesn’t believe in the concept of ‘owning’ another person, that’s an odd feeling. I want to relinquish control to another person, but it can’t just be any person. 

Take this as the launch of my active search for a long-term D/s relationship. Previous applicants need not bother again, thank you.

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