The continual swipe left is giving me RSI. One after the other, faces rush past, faces that don’t seize or intrigue or attract me. They appear like ghosts; fleeting and morbid. The ghosts of future bad choices, of heartbreak, of misplaced humour, and of inevitable ghosting. Each and every one makes me feel a mixture of guilt and self-disgust, with a sprinkle of hope that the next face, the next face will be the face.
Oh, hang on, that one is actually pretty good. Head tilted slightly to one side, looking quizzical but confident into the lens. Dark eyes, framed by dark lashes. Some salt in his pepper beard. Tiny freckles on his forehead. A hint of ink sneaking out from between his unfastened shirt button. Can I imagine sitting on that face? Yes.
6ft 2. OK, that’s a height, I suppose. Why is height a factor in choosing who to date? I wouldn’t put my weight or shoe size on a dating profile, so why enter my height? I’m 5ft 5 which is pretty much bang on average; do my potential lays need reassuring that I’m average? The only bad dating experience I’ve ever had where height played a part is when I met a guy who was 5ft 2. Actually it wasn’t so much his height, but the fact he smelled like lettuce and had absolutely zero things of interest to say to me. I can’t remember an evening where I spent so much time working out potential escape scenarios as that one. Height is of no interest to me: I’m happy either sweetly looking up at you or kissing down onto your forehead. Star sign, education, smoking status, and, to some extent, age are similarly ephemeral.
It doesn’t say what his job is, but I don’t give a fuck. As I’m not on board the relationship escalator to cohabitation, what you do or what you earn isn’t of any consequence. The only bill I’m ever going to share with you is a hotel bill. I don’t expect you to pay for anything but your fair share. I don’t want anything from you but you, so you can keep any money you may have, whether it’s 5p or 5 million. Actually, OK, I lied, I do give some fucks. On principle, I don’t date the following: estate agents (and by extension, letting agents), police officers, prison officers, or any tools of the state. It’s as much protecting you as it is me, because I sense you don’t want me to criticise your choices or your bosses or the framework you operate within before the starter even arrives. Oh and I have a serious horn for teachers; it’s a soft discipline thing.
He has children. As I don’t want children of my own, there’s often an assumption that I won’t date anyone who is a parent. Completely false. I like children, on the whole they’re pretty cute and funny and full of joy. I like the way children see the world, how accepting and honest they are. I just don’t want to become pregnant or parent any. If you’re a parent, I feel it demonstrates that you’re a person capable of great care, responsibility, and love, and they’re usually excellent people to become involved with. However, your children come first in every single scenario; you should already operate with them as your centre, but I just want to make it clear that I am in no way looking to displace them. I’m also not looking to parent them. If, when, I ever have the privilege of meeting your children, I will treat them either as I do my nieces and nephews and niblings or as that eccentric friend who buys them all the expensive shit you say no to.
Left-wing, phew. Please be aware that I swipe left on anyone who states they are right-wing or moderate or Conservative. Even if I am looking for a casual one-night fuck or a speedy blow-job in the toilets of a bar, I do not date anyone from the other side of the political spectrum. Simply, we would not have a lot in common and would become rapidly infuriated with each other, and it’s not worth the time or the price of a cocktail. I want a relationship, not an argument. Someone saying they are apolitical concerns me a little, if only because I find it hard to believe anyone, in this world, is disinterested in what is happening around them. Everything is connected to politics. If you are interested in any kind of current event or trend or comment or art, anything at all, it is inherently political. And I bang on about it quite a bit, so if you’re not interested, then you’re not interested in me.
Ooh he likes writing and poetry; a written word nerd, my people! In my experience, writers make the absolute best sexters. Not even sex writers, but people who write and are able to express themselves through language can absolutely press any and all of your buttons. And I’m saying this not only as a writer, but as someone who has been the recipient of sexts from writers; we will absolutely rock your WhatsApp. It doesn’t matter to me if you can spell or whether or not you use the correct grammar, but expressing yourself is absolutely key. Write me a sonnet about kissing my clit or simply tell me you need me, right now, and I’m yours. Please make me feel something through your words. And having someone to talk to about writing and literature makes me fizz with excitement. You don’t need to share every single interest with your date; relationships are more interesting if you can grow with each other and not only learn to appreciate each other’s interests, but develop shared ones. If you’re already identical at the start, it’s a bit dull. But having someone share your absolute favourite thing, that’s hot. It means I can talk endlessly and excitedly at you and with you about our favourite writers, literary devices, our inspirations, how I’m trying to linger more in the moment and not rush a scene, share advice and help. I adore it.
It doesn’t say he’s poly or non-monogamous, which probably means he’s not. How can you tell someone is polyamorous; you don’t, they’ll let you know. This one is more complex. Some of my more shitty dating experiences have actually been with other poly people, and in contrast, some of my best have been with those who are monogamous. Sometimes typically monogamous people can be very accepting of my chosen relationship dynamic, and are happy to explore it further. I’ve had relationships with those who are monogamous, but are happy and comfortable with me being poly; I’m their only person and they’re OK to, as it were, share me. It’s a combination that not everyone is comfortable with. It takes a huge amount of respect, understanding, patience, and trust, and even then it can be hard, but it’s possible.
However, it’s unavoidable that dating someone who shares the same view of relationships as you is easier. There have been times where I’ve had feelings for someone monogamous who couldn’t give me what I needed. That’s on me, for not respecting their relationship style as I would expect anyone to respect mine. And that has made me more wary of entering into situations with someone who wants things a traditional way. I can’t give myself to someone full-time, I can’t be monogamous. I can’t live with them full-time, I can’t get married to them, and I can’t have the relationship they want me to. Any relationship between myself and someone monogamous is a compromise. And I’m happy to make some, for the right person, but the fact remains, they won’t be my only person.
I would never pressure anyone into polyamory.; if they want to explore, either with me or adjacent to our relationship, then I will support their choice with everything I have. I do aim to seek out other poly people as partners, however the pool is so very small. I’m pretty sure I’ve already dated the majority of polyamorous people within a 40 mile radius of my house; some of them broke my heart into 20 pieces, others were simply shits. I’m dating at the centre of a Venn diagram which includes people who are into fat bodies and have an understanding of non-binary genders and it’s already tiny. Add polyamory into the mix and it’s utterly claustrophobic.
Yes, his bio is funny! You truly can laugh me into bed. You can laugh me anywhere. I get that spark from humour and conversation, rather than looks. Yes, your eyes and smile and pretty dick and beautiful tits will make my mouth water; how you make me laugh is the ignition. Of course, I’m sometimes influenced by my cunt and will go purely for looks and raw sex appeal if I’m too horny to function and need a quick fix, but those are the people I fuck once and never speak to again. I’m afraid you have to understand my humour too and that can sometimes be a bit weird: I’m very rarely serious in conversation and take the piss a bit too much, I can either be dry and sarcastic or silly and surreal. But if it all clicks and we can laugh together and at each other, I might just love you.
And so I swipe right this time, and hope his face doesn’t become another ghost, rushing by.
Ouuufff I feel you so much. I had to give up the dating apps. The constant swiping and the inane messages along with a few dates most of which turned out to be no goes just broke me in the end. But how do i meet someone without them when going to events is tricky because covid and vulenrable. Sorry I seem to have come here to ‘woe is me’. Apologies. You write my thoughts Robyn and for that I thank you
Molly